Whenever some wished me a happy new year and told me that 2013 is going to be our best year yet, I simply replied with - "well it can only go up from here." It's a fairly pessimistic posing as an optimistic way to look at the new year. I spent the last hours of 2012 in an overwhelming anxiety attack that left me feeling like I could break down and cry if I weren't at work or with friends. It wasn't a cliche anxiety attack that most people would feel as they looked upon another year ahead that looks as "promising" as the year before. Except, I already know that looks can be deceiving. I didn't even feel anxious or sad about the idea of spending new years eve alone, even though I was in the company of some great friends. It was simply a coincidence that my anxiety attack fell on Dec 31st, coupled with an overwhelming loss of control. It all comes down to the fact that I weighed 102 pounds the morning of Dec 31st. I realize that there's more to the story beneath the surface, but I'm choosing to stay on the surface for now. Because I know that if I had stepped on that scale that morning, after doing 1 1/2 hours of cardio, and weighed 99 pounds, I would have had a fantastic day and looked forward to the evening and new year to come. Digging a little bit below the surface of the 102 pounds - sometimes it's just the mere fact that 102 pounds upsets me that ends up actually upsetting me. Does that make sense? I'm sad because a trivial thing makes me sad.
Digging just a little bit more - control. That's the name of my game and I know it. I like to think that I'm the best little therapy patient around because I'm great at psycho analyzing myself. I sit through an hour of therapy stating my feelings, understanding my feelings, giving reasons for my feelings, and finally feeling very satisfied with current state of mind - because after all, I understand it. Sometimes I like to pretend that understanding why it's all there in my head, gives me permission to continue my thought process - no matter how irrational it is. Rationale explanation justifies my irrational thoughts? It probably doesn't work that way.
Ok back to the control - it's one of the underlying messages of this journey and a reason why I am lost in my own perfection. My dear friend and fellow blogger gave me this idea on new years eve. Write all of my random, psycho analyzing thoughts down and then send it out into the cyber universe anonymously. It's therapeutic, cleansing and maybe it will help someone else down the road. It feels better than just writing it down in a journal so that the thoughts can be trapped in a drawer next to my bed every night. I write it out and click "publish." Poof - it's gone and could possibly be free from my mind.
It might be a coincidence or it could mean a whole lot of complex meanings, I'm launching my anonymous journey on Big A's birthday. I ended the last days and hours of 2012 gaining closure from Big A. We had our inevitable, long awaited first run-in on Dec 23rd. And I officially relinquished my obsessive facebook checking by de-friending him (a first for me!) on Dec 31st. Yes, I was extremely unhappy, lost my sense of control and feeling trapped in 2012. And kudos to me for making a tough decision that has already paid off in so many ways. But the immediate high that I was feeling from that decision has started to wear off and 2013 is only looking fresh and new in comparison to 2012. As I said "it can only go up from here." But I remember thinking how promising and exciting 2012 was looking a year ago. It was supposed to be the year that I got engaged and began the rest of my life. But thank god - my life and my feelings got in the way. So here's to 2013 - a year full of promise and opportunity, even if it's out of default from the shit we're coming out of.
Digging just a little bit more - control. That's the name of my game and I know it. I like to think that I'm the best little therapy patient around because I'm great at psycho analyzing myself. I sit through an hour of therapy stating my feelings, understanding my feelings, giving reasons for my feelings, and finally feeling very satisfied with current state of mind - because after all, I understand it. Sometimes I like to pretend that understanding why it's all there in my head, gives me permission to continue my thought process - no matter how irrational it is. Rationale explanation justifies my irrational thoughts? It probably doesn't work that way.
Ok back to the control - it's one of the underlying messages of this journey and a reason why I am lost in my own perfection. My dear friend and fellow blogger gave me this idea on new years eve. Write all of my random, psycho analyzing thoughts down and then send it out into the cyber universe anonymously. It's therapeutic, cleansing and maybe it will help someone else down the road. It feels better than just writing it down in a journal so that the thoughts can be trapped in a drawer next to my bed every night. I write it out and click "publish." Poof - it's gone and could possibly be free from my mind.
It might be a coincidence or it could mean a whole lot of complex meanings, I'm launching my anonymous journey on Big A's birthday. I ended the last days and hours of 2012 gaining closure from Big A. We had our inevitable, long awaited first run-in on Dec 23rd. And I officially relinquished my obsessive facebook checking by de-friending him (a first for me!) on Dec 31st. Yes, I was extremely unhappy, lost my sense of control and feeling trapped in 2012. And kudos to me for making a tough decision that has already paid off in so many ways. But the immediate high that I was feeling from that decision has started to wear off and 2013 is only looking fresh and new in comparison to 2012. As I said "it can only go up from here." But I remember thinking how promising and exciting 2012 was looking a year ago. It was supposed to be the year that I got engaged and began the rest of my life. But thank god - my life and my feelings got in the way. So here's to 2013 - a year full of promise and opportunity, even if it's out of default from the shit we're coming out of.
